When Your Muses Are SlapHappy
by Su
Summary: 3 chapters that just makes fun of HP fanfiction in general, so please don't get offended! I promise you, I'll make you laugh at least once!
1. Pairings we hope not to see

Well, I'm bored, and my other story is refusing to upload, so let's see if this one works

Well, I'm bored, and my other story is refusing to upload, so let's see if this one works. It's probably really dumb, so go ahead and flame if you want, okay?

15 Pairings We Shall Never See(Hopefully)

Dobby and Professor McGonagall (After she's just given him a pair of socks)

Harry and Hagrid (After Harry feels the need to apologize after not eating one of Hagrid's rock cakes)

Ginny and Voldemort (She never really got over how so KIND he was to her)

Rita Skeeter and Draco (She wants some juice on Harry)

Professor Trelawney and Hermione (Which proves that she really can't see the future)

Fang and Ginny (He's so cute!)

James and Sirius (Ever wondered why they were so close?)

Professor McGonagall and Hermione (Professor, I need some help on homework...)

Snape and Harry (See me at midnight for detention, Potter...*evil laugh*)

Lily and Dumbledore (It was his eyes....)

Arthur Weasly and Hermione (I always liked Muggles...)

Molly Weasly and Harry (Poor boy, let me offer you some comfort...)

Dudley and Harry (I've always loved you, but the pressure from Mum and Dad was too much!)

Lockhart and Moody (I'll protect you from those big bad monsters, my love...)

Fleur and Hermione (I've alvays liked women wiz ze smarts....)

I apologize for my warped sense of humor, but hey, when you're bored, and you're muses are acting up, this is the result. Some people who have read this for me want a sequel, so let me know. Oh, and if you flame, I really won't take it personally, considering this is really weird anyhow.


	2. Shipper Scenes that will never happen

The muses have set in again

The muses have set in again. I'm so sorry for torturing you like this.

Shipper Scenes That Will Never Happen

Scene #1:

Harry pondered over his chess dilemma with Ron. In burst Hermione, his true love. How would he ever express his true feelings? Hermione sat down, and opened a book. Suddenly, Harry got it!

"Hermione, look over here." Immediately he turned to the boom box that just so happened to be sitting next to him, and that had been magically bewitched to work in Hogwarts. He turned it to the Nature Channel (Nature sounds, all day, every day!). He immediately started to perform an interpretive dance that finished with him on Hermione's lap. "Hermione, will you go out with me?" Hermione stood up and pushed him off. 

"No! I am secretly in love with Goyle, and nothing will stop me from pursuing this!" She ran out of the room. Harry turns to Ron with a dejected look on his face. Suddenly he smiled.

"Hey, there's always Lavender!"

(A/N: In case you were wondering, I can't stand the thought of Harry and Hermione going out.)

Scene #2:

"Draco, with you leather shining so bright, won't you go out with me tonight?" Ginny asked, her eyes pleading.

"Okay!"

"But what about your father?"

"I've placed the Imperius Charm on him, don't worry!" And the two set off merrily to a date. 

(A/N: See how much easier this is?)

Scene #3:

Ron was gloomy. Hermione was in Bulgaria with that git, Vicky. Why didn't she love him the way he loved her?

Suddenly, there was a knock on his window. Ron threw it open, and there was Hermione on a broom.

"Hermi!"

"Ron!"

"I love you!" Oops, where had that come from? Hermione stared at him.

"Ron, it's not possible!" Ron was crushed.

"Why not?"

"Because Viktor and I have decided to sell ourselves to Voldemort! I just wanted to say goodbye forever!"

(A/N: In all honesty, I have no clue whatsoever where this came from! I'm actually a R/H shipper myself.)

Scene #4:

Harry and Ginny were together at last! After much battling with emotions and siblings, they had come together, joyous forever. It was a beautiful night, and they were sailing along across the lake in a boat that just happened to be lying there.

"Harry?"

"Yes, my love?"

"I just wanted to tell you.."

"Yes?"

"That I lov-" At this moment, the boat rocked. The great squid popped his head up and swallowed Ginny whole.

(Just so nobody kills me, I'd like to say that H/G is my favorite pairing. It just wouldn't be fair to make fun of any of the other ones and not this one, is it?)

Well, there you go. I can feel my muses withering, so I shall leave you in peace. Until next time, my muse and I bid you bye!(Hoo hoo, that rhymed!) Tata!

P.S. What exactly is snogging?


	3. Harry Potter and Mary Sue

The Real A/N:  I dun even know how I wrote this.  I hope you enjoy though!  It's supposed to be funny.  Every single mistake, grammatical error, A/N's, etc. are intentional.  Have fun!  And this fic is not intended to make fun of anyone, just to make fun of some of the fanfic we see, that's all.

A/N:  This is my first fanfic ever.  I hope u enjoy.  NO flames pleeze!

Disclaimer:  Everything belongs to Jen Kathy Rowling.  

            "Harry, did you hear?  There's a new girl at Hogwarts.  Her name's Mary Sue."  Hermione said.

            Ron looked at Hermione.  She had really gotten pretty over the summer.  Her hair had magically thinned out, she had grown in all the right places, and she had taken to wearing tank tops around Gryffindor Tower without a care in the world.  He loved her.  "Herm, I love you," he said out loud.

            She looked pleased.  "That's so sweet of you Ron.  I've liked you 2 since the first day at King's Cross.  Kiss me now!"  She jumped into Ron's lap and they started making out in the middle of the common room.

            Harry smiled at Ginny who was across the room, and he realized he liked her.  Of course, he had no reason to, having never talked to her since his second year.  Maybe it was the sun playing on her red hair(A/N:  Ginny's hair is red, right?  I can't remember, I seem to have lost all my Harry Potter books.  I love red hair, it's so sexy.  My crush has red hair.  I think he might like me back.  Oops, I think I'm getting off track.  Teehee, on with the story!).  Ginny smiled back, her eyes filled with gooey sweetness.

            There was a distraction in the form of a devastatingly pretty girl stepping thru the portrait hole.  She made every girl feel jealous and every guy sit up straighter.

            "Hi, y'all.  I'm Mary Sue.  From America," she said.

            "She's hot," Ron said.

            "Hmph," said Hermione.  Mary Sue walked over to Harry and sat down.

            "And you must be Harry Potter.   Delighted to meet you.  I went to wizarding school in America, so I know all about you.  I'm in your year, and I just got sorted into Gryffindor.  Actually, I think I'm taking all 6th year classes.  I'm a year ahead."

            "Are you?" Hermione asked.

            Mary Sue frowned.  "Yes, but I do hate it when people bring their attention to that."

            Hermione pursed her lips.  "I think it's time to go to bed," she said.

*********************************

            Harry groaned.  It was Double Potions with the Slytherins.  He led Mary Sue to the dungeons, Hermione and Ron following.  Ginny glared after them.

            As soon as Mary's(she had asked them to call her that for short) eyes fell on Draco, her blue-gray-green-brown eyes lit up.  "Who's he?  He's really cute," she asked Harry.

            "He's a jerk," he began, but Mary had already started walking over to Draco.  "Hi!" she said extending out her arm.

            Draco looked at her warily.  She was pretty and her long black hair was very pretty.  He wanted to see that hair on his pillow.  "Hello," he said.

            "I'm Mary Sue, but you can call me Mary.  I'm from America."  She smiled and Draco melted.

            "Screw my father," he thought.  "This girl is beautiful.  I want her to have my babys(sp?).  I don't care if she's a Mudblood."  Out loud he said, "So whatcha doing tonight?"

******************************

            Harry watched Mary leave the common room for her date with Malfoy.  He sighed.  He was actually jealous of the little ferret.

            "Hi, Harry," Ginny Weasley said, blushing to the tips of her hair.

            "Hello, Ginny," Harry responded.

            "Harry, I like you," she said giggling

            Harry thought of Mary Sue, and then of Ginny.  He supposed that it would be cool to go out with ginny, after all, if he married her, his brother in law would be Ron, and how cool would that be?

            So he kissed her, and there were 5 happy Gryffindors and 1 happy Slytherin that night.

**************************

It was months later, and Draco was amazed at the change in himself.  He owed it all to Mary.  She was so smart, so kind, so beautiful.  As he was walking down the halls, thinking his thoughts, someone crept out of the darkness and smacked him on the head, rendering him unconcsious.

            Mary was lost.  Where was everyone?  She couldn't find Harry, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, or Draco.  She  walked down the hallways until she saw a one eyes witch moved to the side so that there was a passageway.  She, being curious, stepped into it.  On the other end were hooded figures and her friends, all tied up.  A really scary looking guy turned on her.

            "And who are you?" he asked.

            "Mary Sue, and I will defend my friends."

            "We'll see about that, prepare to duel with Voldmort."  He whipped out his wand and Mary did the same.  They began fighting, Mary easily dodging around Voldmort's curses.  Finally, she yelled, "Avada Kedavra!" putting all her energy into it.  It hit him right in the chest and he disappeared.  But the energy put into it was too much and Mary Sue died as well.

            "I love you Draco," she said as she fell on the floor.

            "NO!" Draco cried.  All the hooded figure disapeared.  He started sobbing.  Their bonds loosened, and Harry, Ginny, Ron, hermione, and Draco got up.  Draco picked up Mary Sue and they walked back to Hogwarts to tell the bittersweet news.

Epilogue:

            Mary Sue was mourned dearly and got a Special School Service Award.  Draco left Hogwarts to become a nun.  Harry and Ginny got married at divorced 3 times, and are ready to get married again.  Ron and Hermione have 15 children.  The world is at peace again

THE END


End file.
